I’m Number 1 with Geriatrics
Well, not quite. But apparently my father, aged 69 years in June, survivor of the Great Depression, who in his lifetime has witnessed the invention of the refridgerator, the TV, the computer, and the indoor toilet, as well as the snow blower that he now uses in spring with his v-neck t-shirts and tightie whities especially when there’s no snow, has now learned how to read a blog. Fortunately, he does not know how to submit comments yet, though I have a feeling I will get an incoherent voice mail one of these days asking how to submit a comment. Anywho, he sent me a poem via “the world wide webs” by Lawrence Ferlinghetti. Will post later for his amusement. But it brought up something I haven’t touched on yet in this natal stage, the manger-scene-equivalent of Itmustbechristmas.com.
Jesus’ father was God, and Joseph was the awkward dude leaning against the block wall of a gymnasium dance floor as God telekenetically impregnated Mary to a 5th grade favorite: “Achy Breaky Heart”. So, the logical question is, who is my father? Well, he’s not Joseph and despite his assertions otherwise, he is not God. Or is he? He has defied Death for nearly 69 years. I’ll suspend my disbelief until proven otherwise. In any case, his life is not nearly as important as how it has left an imprint on mine. So, a few fun facts about the man (just a few):
1. He jogs in jeans. He calls them dungarees. Apparently he has the power to not chafe.
2. He buys DeNobili cigars by the hundreds and chews on them. And spits them. Everywhere. The ashtray in my truck is full of DiNobili cigar spitballs still. And he’s only driven in it a dozen times since I bought it five years ago.
3. He finishes entire novels on the john. Ulysses? Finished after a mexican meal.
4. He was kicked out of high school. He retired as a high school teacher. At the school he got kicked out of.
5. He relives his days in the army by shooting squirrels with his pellet gun.
6. He relives his days at LHS by shooting squirrels with his pellet gun.
7. As a child he didn’t speak. Or eat anything but bread and water. And he would throw, according to his sister, all his shoes in the sewer.
8. He once strangled Billy Bulger, Whitey’s brother (see: Jack Nicholson in the Departed), with his own shirt tie.
9. He used to hang out with Jack Kerouac. This, I was surprised to learn, involved another buddy named Jack Daniels and their acquaintance Budweiser, who knew all of them, including Sampas and Huck Finneral, former cat-burglar extraordinaire.
10. The other day he stopped driving his car in the middle of a busy Boston intersection, during a green light, and took off his shoes because of a foot cramp, waited until the light was red, drove through slowly, then stopped again WITH HIS REAR BUMPER STILL IN THE INTERSECTION to put his shoes back on.
